2003-12-04 / 4:42 p.m.

the most beautiful outside type thing i've ever seen south of washington state is going on right now not ten miles from this house and patrick won't get up. damn it. everytime i see something cool, i'm by myself. which i wouldn't mind at the moment, if i had a camera; but the camera is his and he's on the couch. he says i abandoned him but he doesn't want to play when i come over. the other one wants me to be happy, make friends, inspire and entertain myself but he's got me worried about finances and he wants me there when he comes home; which wouldn't matter if i didn't agree, but i want to be there when he gets in, i want that smile and i want the touching. can't i have two lives?

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