2004-01-03 / 11:55 p.m.

My eyes hurt.

Tubes in his nose and his arms and a big blue one down his throat; restraints, tying his hands to the bed; beeps and clicks and ventilator sound; needles needles needles and the IV is in his neck. They pulled the Ativan so he can open his eyes halfway; can't squeeze fingers on command cause of the drugs; foamy blood in his lungs and black stuff from his stomach and lots of sweat; medical tape and visiting hours four times a day and I can't cry... he can't hear it see it feel it because he can't be worried about me right now. Tonight was better because I knew he knew I was there. He's scared and I'm scared and that bitch keeps making me leave.

"He's definitely moving in the right direction. We're going to try to take him off the ventilator Monday afternoon." Was that intended to pacify me? I miss him now. I want him back now.

"all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put baby together again..." a.m.

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